Living with ADHD: just don't call it a superpower!
As part of ADHD Awareness month, co-founder Camilla shares her experience of being neurodivergent….
As a comms person I have generally hated any day, month or general thing that has been cooked up by a PR team somewhere. So this feels a bit forced/cringe, so please bear with me.
It’s ADHD awareness month and as such, I feel duty-bound to do my bit to celebrate, educate and generally myth-bust. Not only am I Mum to a wonderful child with ADHD (+autism dyslexia), but I am also neurodivergent myself with a bona fide dual diagnosis of ADHD & autism. I feel the need - as many do! - to make it clear that a qualified psychiatrist has assessed and diagnosed me, as I know how much cynicism surrounds things right now. Which is probably why I feel so massively awkward writing this.
As is often the way, I have been ruminating on what to write for about a week now; thinking about what could be useful without it sounding indulgent or hackneyed. So I have settled on listing some of my own idiosyncrasies that are related to my ADHD/autism, how they show up in a working environment, and what people around me need to know.
No feet on the ground
I am writing this with my legs crossed and laptop on my, erm, lap! For as long as I remember I have hated sitting up at a desk to work and whilst I can force myself to do this for a short amount of time when I need to look like a grown up, I struggle. My preference is always to have at least one leg tucked up underneath me and the ability to fidget and move without a second thought. This is why home working is particularly important to me and how I manage to be a useful and productive part of the team without having to worry about appearances. It also means that on most video calls and meetings I will be doodling and/or playing with lego off screen, meaning that I can actually listen. Rather than pretend I am listening.
I hate networking
For those that know me, this will seem odd as I appear outgoing. However, this is where the age-old masking comes into play! Up until 18 months ago, I used alcohol with wild abandon to suppress all feelings of social anxiety when faced with situations that required me to speak to strangers or people I felt nervous around. I would usually get a bit pissed to take the edge off, socialise a bit, then continue to drink too much and wake up the next day regretting my life choices. Now I have stopped drinking I have removed the shame, regret and social anxiety. But I have also reduced the amount I get out and about. The best way for me to do business networking is to be a speaker in some capacity, so that I can essentially ‘introduce myself’ en masse to people, skip the smalltalk, and hopefully just speak to people who are interested in what I am about.
As the co-founder of an organisation that is very reliant upon business interactions, this can be quite hard. And it’s probably why I prefer to write things like this on LinkedIn as it enables me to swerve the irl stuff. Luckily for me I have a co-founder who’s a complete natural in social settings and who is always happy to step up, which is yet another reason why I love Rachel!
No strong smells
I have a very acute sense of smell - useful in some situations but generally quite overwhelming. It can mean that in the wrong environment I am unable to focus on much else apart from the smell (assuming it’s bad!) and this impacts my ability to concentrate on the task in hand. This can also be an issue for me if I go to a smelly place even fleetingly (i.e. some coffee shops) and then have the lingering smell on my clothes, which will take over my senses and also make concentrating very, very hard.
I can also find some people’s perfume or aftershave really overpowering, especially if there’s been a hello hug or similar as I will often only be able to smell that person for the rest of the interaction and sometimes the rest of the day! This obviously isn’t a bad smell but it can be yet another distraction in an already crowded sensory world for me.
If you’re looking at people’s work environments it's worth considering the effect of smelly lunches in open plan offices and also air fresheners and cleaning products. I hadn’t realised until quite recently that not everyone struggles with this as I’d spent my whole life making small adjustments and simply repressing any feelings of discomfort.
The change paradox
I am not sure whether this is a usual ADHD/autism conflict but I have the competing needs of being quite fixed on things rubbing up against my need for new and change. Frankly, this one is exhausting and I am yet to really find the best solution. However, I know for certain that without Rachel as my co-founder, I would not be able to run a business as I’d find myself going around in circles. We chat - a lot - about how to strike the right balance between moving forwards and also letting things embed and settle in. I get bored, probably frustratingly quickly, but then also get panicky when I feel that things are a bit out of control! I am sure that this is a familiar feeling for many entrepreneurs - irrespective of any neuro differences - but like so much of this, I think it’s just magnified when your brain is wired a bit differently.
I feel fortunate to have the space to explore this all in a ‘safe’ way but know that in the past this had led to extreme anxiety and feelings of inadequacy for not coping well with change.
Moral compass
I feel things SO hard, probably too hard. Nothing more so than when I see or experience unfairness and injustice. Some could say that this is very noble but I can assure you that this often goes beyond just doing the right thing. On its best day it has seen me co-found an award winning social enterprise and stand up for women who are being treated unfairly. On a bad day it can lead to me being very hot-headed and emotional - I am still reeling now about being told I was not emotionally resilient enough for a promotion 10 years ago!
As a parent, I find myself stewing over perceived slights against my kids, a lot. And I will spend HOURS going over things in my head to the point that I cannot entertain anything else - and sometimes this includes work. I refer to these as brain loops that feel like a cassette tape that’s stuck; Rachel describes them as the “wheerlies” which I also love as a descriptor. That said, I wish I could find a way to process these feelings and thoughts in a way that doesn’t impact my nearest and dearest as I know that it’s exhausting for them too and certainly makes me feel guilty.
The hyper-focus
I debated whether to include this as it’s probably the thing that people wang on about the most. I personally hate the whole “ADHD is your superpower” schtick but I will concede that being able to hyper-focus is really very cool. Despite many of the challenges I experience in my day-to-day, I do not feel that it’s ever impacted my ability to get stuff done. I love nothing more than the adrenaline rush of a deadline and when I am in the zone, I really am unstoppable.
Ultimately, I know that I am good at my job and can look back on my career thus far with a huge amount of pride at things that have happened BECAUSE I am neurodivergent. I am also self-aware enough to recognise that I am hugely privileged in so many ways and in my day-to-day meet many women facing the intersectionality of multiple disadvantages alongside their neurodiversity. Even though I feel a bit uncomfortable writing this, it’s important for me to be an ally and also a voice for those who maybe haven’t found their own yet.